Leader's Towel
by Astarael's Get
Summary: Oh dear. A simple inquiry about Leader's birthday soon became something much more amusing. Lots of Akatsuki love and lots more of Tobi! May be detrimental to your health. Rated T for language and nakedness.
1. Birthdays and Cookies

**This is a little story I discussed with my amazing friend/sister Lady Lilliana. It does involve OCs, 'shameless self-insertion' as she so aptly puts it (Tei is me and Rei is Lilly), and some mild OOC-ness.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Akatsuki, however much I want to. I do own Tei though. I partially own Anno and Rimu (who aren't in the first chapter anyway) and Rei belongs to Lady Lilliana.**

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It all started with Tei and Tobi. But then again, it always started with Tei and Tobi. Of course, Tei and Tobi didn't really make too much sense, so they tended to do stuff for no real reason other than they felt like it. 

No, it is definitely the _how_ rather than the _who_ or the _why_ that matters in these situations.

Tei and Tobi were talking about birthdays.

"And so, that's why my birthday is the easiest to remember," Tei finished proudly. She had managed to keep Tobi's attention for at least a minute and a half, which was practically unheard of when the speaker wasn't currently in possession of any food, toys or games.

"Hooray!" Tobi squealed. Yes, he squealed. It was an irritating habit he'd picked up somewhere between joining Akatsuki and meeting Rei and Tei, so nobody mentioned it much for fear of incurring Woman's Wrath, such as the One Week Strike incident (_see __**Lady Lilliana**__'s __**Sweet Angels**__ for more details on that particular occurrence_). After all, Tei found Tobi's squeal rather amusing, and Rei and Tei were permanent allies, along with their very-almost-permanent ally Konan, who only ever ditched them for Pein.

It was at this point that Tei and Tobi began to dance the happy dance. This involved twirling around on tiptoes, waving their arms in the air an reciting obscure poetry.

Although this was now accepted as the normal behaviour for the two by the other members of the Akatsuki, the entrance of Itachi and Rei into the lounge area did prompt reactions. Seeing the dance, Itachi raised an eyebrow, though he had long since recognized that he would never find any sanity in the hideout or among the Akatsuki, which was, contrary to popular opinion, just the way he liked it.

Rei, who had grown up with Tei and was incredibly used to her friends mad mannerisms, as well as having a few of her own, fell over in stitches of laughter.

"Ah! That's right!" Tei jumped up and down excitedly. "When is Ita-san's birthday?"

Itachi scowled. "I told you not to call me that, Telaki."

"But… why not?"

"Because it is irritating," Itachi sniffed, unperturbed by the purple-haired girl rolling around in fits of hysterics on the ground by his feet.

"Rei-chan, are you okay?" Tobi inquired, poking Rei with a stick that he'd apparently found somewhere on the floor. This was not actually surprising, as Hidan had a tendency to leave sharp objects everywhere for his rituals and Kakuzu had a tendency to blunt them in order to annoy him.

Rei wiped her eyes and sat up. "Just the sight of you two… hold on, Tobi, is that a bat?"

"Yes!" Tobi exclaimed happily, opening his cloak a little to show the small night-flyer hanging upside-down inside. "His name is Bitey and it's his birthday in five days! So I was wondering about everyone else's birthdays!"

"And whose birthdays don't you know?" Itachi said, trying to sound bored (though of course he _wasn't_- he was trying to figure out where Tobi had found a bat _and_ managed to tame it, but really couldn't be bothered to ask).

"Ita-san's and Leader-sama's!" Tei punched the air triumphantly. "Everyone was very cooperative once we gave them cookies!"

"Where are _our_ cookies?" Rei sulked, noting a severe lack of cookies in the room. Tei grinned and produced a plate of warm, gooey, choc-chip cookies from a small compartment underneath the coffee table.

Itachi reluctantly-but-not-really-so-reluctantly took a cookie. "Why do you have so many hiding places?"

"Because I don't trust Kakuzu!" was the indignant reply.

"Tei-chan! Let's go ask Leader-sama now!"

Tei followed the excited Tobi out of the room while pretending to be an aeroplane.

Unfortunately for them, what they didn't know was that Pein was currently getting out of the shower, and therefore would not be wearing anything other than a fluffy white towel and a lot of piercings when they barged into his bedroom.

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**Okay, it's a little weird, but it came out of my head, so that shouldn't really be much of a surprise. At least, it isn't now. You should check out Lady Lilliana's story Sweet Angels, it's about the One Week Strike incident mentioned and is absolutely fricking hilarious.**


	2. Towels and Pants

**Welcome to chapter two, my lovelies. This one is a bit crazy. And yes, Kakuzu is a super-pervert, and he does wear women's underwear. To learn more, read Lady Lilliana's Sweet Angels. It brightens my day to read such craziness from her.**

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**Privacy**, _noun_: the state of being private. Does not exist when Suzuka Telaki is within a twenty-seven mile radius.

Itachi swallowed in an out-of-character way. This was not looking good. Tei and Tobi had, literally moments before, walked in on a practically naked Pein. And Pein did not look happy about it.

"What, pray tell," the leader growled through gritted teeth, "Are you doing… in my room… without KNOCKING?!"

Itachi took a step back. Tobi slowly reached in his cloak and started petting Bitey. Rei withdrew her arms into her cloak and started sewing.

Tei, however, wasn't paying attention to any of this. All thought of birthdays forgotten, she was muttering something under her breath. Angrily, Pein snapped at her, "And what are you doing now?!"

Tei looked up at him innocently. "I'm counting your piercings, Leader-sama."

Konan was on her way to see Rei about the meal-rota when something made her pause outside Pein's room. She found she needed go no farther, as, inside, she could see Rei, Itachi and Tobi attempting to restrain a furious Leader as he tried to throttle Tei.

Konan burst out laughing.

The sound of her laughter was like the bat signal. All other Akatsuki members were there within moments to see what was so funny, including Zetsu who nobody had seen for several weeks. He had simply reappeared, and nobody had even bothered to ask him. Nobody even cared.

Their reactions were thus. Deidara, Sasori, Hidan and Rimu fell into fits of laughter. Anno and Kisame rushed to assist Tei, who was barely escaping the terrible asphyxiating wrath of the Akatsuki Leader. Zetsu watched quietly. And, somehow, Kakuzu managed to get a nosebleed.

I would think you should have expected that from a creepy old man who wears women's underwear.

A few minutes later, when Tei had miraculously produced the rest of the cookies and exchanged them for her life, everyone was still in Pein's room, albeit sat on the floor. Pein had long since given up trying to convince them that his room was _not_ a meeting place; even _he_ wasn't sure he could take on _all_ of them at once. If nothing else, he didn't trust Kakuzu the super-pervert. After all, Pein was still wearing only a towel. A fluffy white towel, but a simple towel nonetheless.

Tei held up her cloak, watching Tobi through the large tear that Pein had made when trying to throttle her. Rei sighed. "I'm not fixing that. It's too big. You'll have to have a new cloak."

"No, she will not!" Kakuzu snapped. He hated forking out money for new things for anyone other than himself. The term tightwad springs to mind. "You can fix it."

"No. Pay for a new one!"

"Fix it!"

"New one!"

"Fix it!"

"You two…" Anno tried to step between them. He really did. Kakuzu really wasn't going to back down, but Rei was stubborn as a mule when she wanted to be, and she wouldn't back down either. He couldn't see any way out of this through arguing, but was silenced by a chorus of _"Shut up, Anno!"_ from everyone in the room.

Tei had had enough. Scowling, she yelled, "FINE!! I WON'T WEAR ANYTHING THEN!" and proceeded to throw off her clothes until she was standing there in her underwear and the belt that had her tarot card pouch attached to it.

Anno coughed embarrassedly and looked away. Deidara, Sasori, Rimu and Kisame blushed. Zetsu's trap snapped shut and he disappeared into a wall. Itachi pretended to look uninterested, so no one could really ell if he was or not. Pein smacked his forehead. Rei smirked. Konan suppressed a laugh, while copious amounts of blood began pouring from Kakuzu's nostrils.

And Hidan, in his infinite wisdom, merely muttered four words. "I like the monkeys."

Because, of course, Tei loved to have funky underwear, and this set was green, with monkeys on.

Rei pointed in the air. "Mine is BETTER!"

And so Rei threw off her clothes, revealing sexy, lacy black panties and a matching bra. She received much the same reaction as Tei had, but this time Hidan gained a nosebleed and Deidara gave him a filthy look.

"OF COURSE!" Kakuzu exclaimed excitedly. Everyone seemed to have forgotten that he was the super-pervert among them. "The way to save money is for no one to wear clothes at all!"

Tei, caught up in the excitement of the moment, pounced on Anno and began to undress him. "YES! OFF WITH YOUR CLOTHES!"

And although Anno struggled, soon he too was standing there in only his boxers. Minutes later, every member of Akatsuki was in his or her underwear. (minus Zetsu, who had fled, and Kakuzu, who had been forced to keep his clothes on, because he might scar the others for life). Pein had taken his chance in the confusion to slip on a pair of shorts.

"All right!" Tei announced. "The first one to get dressed has to tell the Konoha ninjas that we **EAT THEIR BABIES**!"

"But, Tei-chan…" Tobi cocked his head to one side, confused. "You're a vegetarian."

"Yes, yes I am! But _they_ don't know that!"

"Actually, Telaki-san, I think they do… we did used to live there, you know… I mean, your sisters and your brother and your parents at least--"

"Shut up, Anno!"

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**Next chapter will be up when I feel like it, 'kay? It involves some pants, more pants, a couple of thongs, a bra, and, oh, some more pants. and, finally some Leader-love, because I'm tired of tormenting him.**


	3. Bubbles and Cupboards

**Okay, so maybe I lied about the Leader-love. I didn't have enoguh plot to fit it into this chapter, but it's coming, okay? Sorry this one took so long to put up and stuff. I was a little blocked, and I hope you appreciate the repeated rewritings of this chapter I had to do before I was happy with it. I wish it was longer.**

**Rei belongs to Lady Lilliana, Tei belongs to me, Anno and Rimu belong to both of us, and everyone else in the story are Masashi Kishimoto's. So don't sue me, I'm poor. 'Kay? 'Kay.**

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Life in the Lair of Evil can be pretty boring, especially when there is no Good Guy to smite or Damsel to put in Distress. So when Tei announced that it was time for CLOTHES OFF, everyone (except Anno and Zetsu) jumped at the chance for an amusing game.

Tei found that washing dishes was great fun when she didn't have to worry about getting her cloak covered in dishwater. Tobi, in his funky black long johns, offered to dry the dishes. Big mistake.

By the end of the washing stint, the dishes were sparkling. Tobi and Tei, however, were covered in dishwater bubbles, and proceeded to run around the hideout, trailing bubbles everywhere.

This caused Sasori to faint. The hideout was FILTHY!

Taking responsibility, albeit grudgingly, Tei and Tobi spent fifteen minutes of their precious frolicking time dragging him back to his bedroom and hurling him in through the door. They were rewarded by an "oof!" as he hit the opposite wall and woke up, cursing.

Tobi then wandered off to find Bitey the bat, who had disappeared when Tobi had discarded his cloak. Tei, now bored, moseyed on over to Rei's room, where she was sure she'd find some form of amusement.

On the way, however, she heard strange sounds. Strange sounds that sounded like the sounds of someone who was locked in a cupboard and was unable to do anything but hope that someone would help them.

Tei located the source of the disturbance to her blissful wandering- someone had decided it would be amusing to lock Anno (in his boring plain black boxers) in a broom cupboard. Tei, being her usual clueless (and half-drunk) self, paused and blinked several times before letting him out.

As he stretched from his previously cramped position among the mops, brooms and various other things that are usually kept in a broom cupboard (and some that aren't, such as that hideous jumper that Tei's auntie Gertrude had given her last Christmas, with all the bells and bobbles on), Tei heard him muttering about something. She prodded him in the arm until he decided to speak up and tell her what was bothering him.

"Kisame and Rimu locked me in there," he sighed. "I said I wasn't going to put on my cloak and go to the store for Rimu's jelly beans. I said he could go get them himself. I don't want to have to tell someone that we eat babies when they might tell my grandmother."

"You DID?!" Tei was so surprised that she didn't even tell him to shut up. "What in the sacred name of ducks is going on here? Did you gain a spine when we stole your clothes?"

Anno looked as though he was about to protest, but much to Tei's disappointment, he stopped himself just in time.

Then, Tei had A Great Idea. It was an idea so _great_, so _brilliant_, so _devious_, that the light bulb was practically visible above her head. Grabbing Anno's hand, causing him to blush profusely- we must remember that Tei was standing there in her underwear as well- she dragged him towards Rei's room.

Rei, in her sexy, lacy black underwear, was already in the company of Deidara, Hidan and Itachi. A large chunk of Deidara's hair was missing from the left side, making him look lopsided. Hidan was missing his right forearm, with a bandage wrapped around the stump. And Itachi? Itachi appeared somewhat traumatised.

Rei looked up as they walked in. "You guys too, huh?"

"Not me," Tei said, still utterly clueless. "Anno was locked in a broom cupboard because he grew a spine."

"Telaki-san, that's not-"

"Shut up, Anno. I'm telling the story here. It was Rimu and Kisame, apparently."

Rei nodded. "Kakuzu is working with them as well. They're trying to make us put our clothes on, or, in Kakuzu's case, take them off. He got to these guys. Deidara lost hair when he escaped. And you might want to not go into the laundry room for a week or two; Itachi had to Amaterasu the washing machine to get away."

"And Hidan?"

"Kisame and Rimu fucking cut off my arm while I was sleeping," Hidan growled. "Didn't realise until the floor was fucking covered in blood. Sasori is going to have a fucking fit."

"I wouldn't worry about that," Tei grinned evilly. Anno and Deidara shuddered. "Sasori's probably still recovering from the dishwater bubbles. Me and Tobi chucked him into his room. He probably won't come out till dinner."

"It looks like this is war."

"Yes it fucking is."

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**Ooh, it's on now... ahem. Well, maybe we'll get to the Leader-love next chapter. Oh, and guess what? Next chapter involves... some more pants. Review?**


	4. Limbs and Rabbits

**This is the shamefully short, shamefully late, and shamefully bad next chapter of Leader's Towel... I'm sorry. It gets better next chapter, I promise.**

**Disclaimer is last chapter. I'm far too sleepy to type it out again, sooooo...**

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War. Isn't it a beautiful word? A horrible concept, yes, but a beautiful word. Don't you just love the way it rolls off the tongue?

Hidan definitely did.

He was standing in the garden, his feet frozen to the patio stones, clutching his severed arm and howling obscenities to the winds. Snow had begun to fall. Oh, Kisame was going to pay. Yes, he was going to pay for this humiliation tenfold.

"THIS IS WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!"

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Meanwhile, inside the hideout, Deidara and Anno were hiding inside Deidara's workshop. It had been Rei's idea to split up. Tei was to pair up with Tobi. Rei and Itachi would be on first phase pranking duty. Hidan was to go and find his arm, and possibly Zetsu while he was at it- Itachi's theory being that Hidan wasn't much use to them with only one arm, and Zetsu would be useful to them even if he had no arms. And that wherever Zetsu was, Hidan's arm was probably there- _inside _Zetsu. Which was exactly how Hidan had come to be outside.

So that left Deidara and Anno to hide until they were called upon to be bait.

Anno was spending this time wisely, trying to work out how exactly he could escape this situation with all his limbs intact. Ah yes, there was a way... he pondered this as Deidara hyperventilated.

"OhcrapohcrapohcrapwhatarewegonnadoRimuandKisamearegonnaPRANK US TO DEATH!!" the shemale muttered to himself, rocking back and forth, hugging his knees.

Anno, in a distinctly un-Anno-ish and highly feminine manner, leant over and slapped Deidara across the face. "Calm down. You'll hurt your lungs."

And, completely unused to Anno acting even slightly as though he had a brain, a spine and common sense all at once, shut up.

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Rimu and Kisame themselves were congratulating themselves on a job well done. Having succeeded in locking Anno in a cupboard (despite their shock as to where he'd suddenly acquired the nerve to stand up for himself- ebay was suspected), directing their perverted treasurer towards both Itachi _and _Deidara, acquiring the missing limb of their immortal colleague and locking said immortal outside in the snow, they were now moving on to the next phase of their own plan.

This involved somehow barricading Sasori into the seldom-used A/C pantry- seldom-used because storing things in the kitchen was just so much easier, and because an infestation of rabbits had decided that it would be an ideal place for them to house their eight hundred and sixty-three babies (the number doubled every seventeen days). This was slightly difficult as neither of them knew where Sasori _was_. This meant that drastic measures would have to be taken.

They would have to- _shudder_- look for him.

Which meant leaving themselves open to terrible retribution at the hands of one immortal, one PMSing bomber, one psychotic Uchiha, two Voodoo Sisters and a mildly intimidating hedgehog.

Then something happened to throw off every single prank planned in the entire hideout.

Rimu and Kisame were interrupted in their musings of impending doom and stared at each other with identical glances of bewilderment.

Rei and Itachi were carefully stringing up fish hooks in the corridor outside Rimu's bedroom (where, unknownst to them, Rimu and Kisame were currently hiding and musing about impending doom). They looked at one another and headed over to investigate.

Anno and Deidara huddled together under one of Deidara's work desks, the blonde sleeping while the hedgehog plotted very uncharacteristically in a small notebook. Anno looked up, but merely shrugged and went back to his secret slightly-more-evil-than-usual plan (so, not particularly evil at all).

Sasori was still unconscious, sprawled across three of his puppets in the middle of the room.

Hidan momentarily paused in his obscene one-armed gestures and furious bellowing.

Kakuzu stopped hunting his fellow Akatsuki and decided that in the ensuing confusion he should investigate the closest bedroom for any form of cash, be it coin, note or cheque.

Leader and Konan were both sat in one of Konan's forts, watching a rerun of the Fig episode with the exploding toaster .

Tei ignored it, having entirely forgotten about the PrankFest waiting to happen, conveniently just in time for said Fig rerun.

Zetsu was out on another date.

So, unfortunately, it turned out that the one to answer the repeated rining of the hideously tuned doorbell was none other than Tobi, in his funky black long johns.

And so, chaos descend upon the A/C.

...Even more than usual.

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**Reviews greatly appreciated, yo.**


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